Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Why I No Longer Watch The Bachelor

HA! Are you serious?!  Me?!  Stop watching The Bachelor?!
You've gone done lost your mind.
Now, Dearest would love it if I would stop filling my mind with such nonsense, but I will tell you what I told him:
You can take away my CHASE Freedom, but you will pry trash television and Diet Coke from my cold, dead fingers.

I do feel a certain amount of guilt over loving the bachelor the way I do.  As a feminist, my brain tells me that a group of women hanging on to man's every word in a hope that he will find her to be the prettiest princess of all is absolutely ridiculous.
And then Chris Harrison comes out to announce the final rose, and I'm all,
I have converted countless friends over to Bachelor-land.  These are people who were all, "Laura, I just don't think that show is for me.  I mean, how can you get on board with something so gauche?"
Then they would adjust their ascot, eat their brie, and look at me like I was a loser.
Well, I guess we know who is laughing now.  Those jokesters still have a Monday night get together even when I'm not there...so...I mean...you know.

I can't get enough of the over the top dates, the girl's clothes, and the ability for girls to create job descriptions that are not real things.

I'm looking at you, "Chicken Enthusiast."
I can't make that up.  This season, someone actually listed their profession as,
"Chicken Enthusiast."
There's a lot wrong with that profession:
1. Gross.
2. Chickens are nasty.
3. Fried chicken is delicious, but also hard on your arteries.
So...there you go.

Also, I love how every.single.season. someone says,
"I'm not here to make friends."
Which is essentially that girl's excuse for being the resident she-devil, spewing venomous lies and drama aimed at everyone else in the house, leaving tear-stained ball gowns in her wake.
Which is rude.
Rude girl.

The producers on the show do a great job of stirring up drama.  For instance, last week a girl, Lauren, got a date with Bachelor Ben, and they flew in this tiny propeller airplane.  If it sounds like it was slightly terrifying, it was.  As in, it was terrifying for me to watch Ben and Lauren awkwardly try and kiss 4500 times in the plane with full airplane head gear on.    If you're picturing two eighth graders getting stuck together while both wearing head gear let me tell you, this was just as painful to watch.  Every time they leaned in to kiss the microphones kept getting in the way and they were basically just kissing the microphones.  Ben kept saying how good of a kisser Lauren was, and it made me seriously question his resume of past girlfriends.
ANWAY, whilst they were failing at making out 100,000 feet in the air, the pilot just so happened to fly right over the mansion that the rest of the girls were staying in.
All the girls at the mansion freaked out, and were like,
"That's them!  Oh my goodness!  I can't take it!"
Like they didn't sign up for a the worst version of speed dating ever.

I  just re-read this post, and by all accounts I cannot understand why I love this show so much.
I mean, it sounds like the worst thing ever.

ANYWAY, I really did come here to make friends.
Will you accept this rose?

via flickr

PS. Also, let's talk about how Ben Higgins is the best bachelor ever.  I mean...amiright or amiright?!

PSS. Bachelor Nation 4-eva!

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