Monday, October 17, 2016

Why You Should Never Potty Train Your Child

You guys.  Look around.  Everyone is potty trained.  All I see when I go to Target, when I take my children to Chick-Fil-A, when we go to the park are a bunch of people who had someone in their life to teach them that "diapers are for babies," and "undies are for big boys/girls" with encouragement and care. 
Well, I have something to say about that:
What a load of mish-mosh, pish-posh.
I mean, the actual saying is fine, whatever.  Say whatever you want, but let's get something straight- potty training your child is a gift from the devil.  It requires you to watch their every move, and then as sure as you take your eyes off of them for even the slightest second they go in their underwear.  And not just in their underwear...on your rug.  With furniture on it.  So, it's impossible to thoroughly clean.  Right after you took them to sit on the potty for ten minutes.  And if you don't know ten minutes is an eternity when you're waiting for your tiny toddler to emit some kind of bodily fluid from their small selves, all while singing every song you know, reading 5 books, and begging, BEGGING for them to just go because you know they have to, while they reply,
"No, NO singing, mommy!"  "I don't want that book!"  "No, NO go potty, mommy!"
Oh Dear Lord in Heaven, help.
If you can't tell we are in the throws of potty training Youngest.  She's mostly getting it, despite my previous lamenting, but bless her heart, she's quite stubborn at times.  I happen to cherish this trait about her.  After all, if I do my job in helping her, she can use that stubbornness for the goodness of her soul and humanity.  However,  I do not appreciate it when she up and decides to have her own thoughts and feelings on a matter that I disagree with.  Aren't kids supposed to just do what we tell them?  I mean...geez.  Parenting.
ANYWAY, the other day we were outside playing.  I could tell Youngest had to go potty- she was doing the dance, holding herself, and talking about going potty.  Although, when I went to put her on the potty she screamed as if I was stabbing her one hundred times.  Did I mention I had brought her tiny, Fischer Price potty outside so all the neighbors could really hear?  It was great.
Anyway, while the littles played I was cleaning out my van because my van is also synonymous with, "trashcan."  As I'm cleaning, Youngest climbs aboard the van, and is walking around in there.  I don't think much of it because she and Eldest love to play in the van from time to time.  She's toddling around in there, Eldest is playing just outside the garage, and as I go to yell something to him I hear Youngest say, "Pee pee, mommy!"
Oh Lawd.
I turn and she has, yes, gone in the van.  Luckily, she primarily did her business on the rubber floor mats.  I mean, hallelujah!  So much better than the carpet in.  However, did you notice that word I used, "Primarily"?  Did you see that?  Pay attention, friends, because the other place she peed was in my purse that was sitting on those rubber mats in the van. 
If you don't know, there's no going back from that.
Bless it.
I mean, in her defense she had just denied that she had to go even though she was doing the dance and holding herself when I let her in the van.  So...we all know who is really to blame for the purse debacle.
And on the bright side, I got to go get a new purse at Target.  So, it wasn't a total wash of a family memory.
Overall, Youngest is doing so well.  I'm still trying to teach her that after we go to the potty we don't pick it up to show everyone in the house.  That tends to be messy, and quite an event.
You guys.
Send Starbucks.
And Lysol.

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